|
| I'm super sick. I hope I don't need to go to the hospital or any kind of doctor. I don't have any health insurance. P.s. I am really grieved about Michael Jackson...I looked up to him when I was so much younger. Love you michael. RIP. | | |
| I am in the worst fire ever!! And I seriously mean it! When your in this thing with God, of course there is going to be fire, it's totally to be expected. In the Word, Paul talks about not only being in the power of Jesus's resurrection, but enduring the fellowship of His sufferings as well. Many churches and people want nothing to do with Jesus as soon as they found out Jesus wants to kill them so He can be glorified. (I mean kill as in being living martyrs everyday for Jesus, not literally "real" dying dying..you know what I mean.)
In one of these toughest seasons I have ever been in,I am learning so much about humility.It is literally killing me! There is a combination of things going on.I have the personality that no matter what I'm thinking or feeling, I have to share it with someone or I will combust. Honest. So in the midst of this purification and humbling process I'm in, I feel like God has lifted His manifest Presence off of me. That doesn't mean the Lord does not dwell inside of me still and is not working in and thru me, I just can't see or feel it. So, that leads to me feeling like I can't talk to Jesus because I don't hear him talk back or feel Him responding. When I try to go to people and talk about things, I feel like I can go to no one. Out of all the people I know...not one of them I feel I can talk to but Nathan. Even God is doing a work to where when I try to pour into Nathan how I'm feeling or what's going on, I am not getting the response or reaction I want that would help me. God is making it to where I cannot run or pour into anyone else but Him and I have to look foward with eyes of faith and believe that even though my circumstances or what I see or feel does not change what the Word says or what God has promised me, Jesus is not a man that He should lie. Jesus is alive and living inside of me but I just have to believe it without a shadow of doubt that God is hearing me and is closer to me then any person or thing I could run to.The results of this is showing me that I have a lot of offense with God and it's scary. I have had haughty thoughts believing that I had no offense or pride in my heart towards God, yet I have been asking the Lord to bring me low. That's how His Kingdom works...in order for God to exault my high, I have to be low on the earth. The Word says the meek shall inherit the earth! I don't want to live with regret when I have made myself high and lifted up on earth and have a low place in heaven. I also do not want this to sound "works driven" either. But I gotta go down if I want to go up. It's the inside, outside, upside down Kingdom where you loose to gain and you die to live! But to get to this place, it's a war on the inside of me. It's a war on the inside, it's the arena to demonstrate my love for Jesus.
Here is a part of a song I'm gonna share that has been on my mind lately and it relates to what I'm in right now. "Garden" by Misty Edwards Here it's you and me alone God,
Here it's you and me alone.
Here it's you and me alone God,
Here it's you and me alone. You hedged me in, with skin, all around me!
I'm a garden enclosed, a locked garden,
Life takes place behind the face.
| | |
| Hello faithful xanga, haven't typed into you for a while. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest times I have faced since my parents divorce. There is so much wickedness in my heart it hurts to ever look at it and face it straight on. I just want to run and pretend it's not there but I know deep down that really won't get me anywhere. Also anger...so much anger.
Let's just say that I truly do love Jesus so much. As much as my actions don't show it well, I really do deep down past the personal hell inside of myself. But in some areas of my life, I have some disappointments with Him. I feel let down by Him in "some" ways. I have just given up in those areas because I have tried and tried and tried and tried but I feel like it was never honored or that I am doing something that makes Him proud. I mean, I don't want to talk like I want to do the right things and always deserve a pat on the back so to speak. I just need encouragement. Deep motivation. It's just hard because since I have had such a broken relationship with my earthly dad, I tend to thirst and crave excessive amounts of encouragement, praise, etc...because my dad tried what he could, but it was hard with what him and I were left with growing up in our own personal lives. I really have a wrong idea about pure love. I have such a broken love that I have done things to myself and allowed people to do it to me because it's all I really knew. Who am I kidding? What is love? I don't want to be failed anymore in this area of "men" in my life. I don't want to feel this unbearable rejection anymore that always makes me want to run. I don't want to be put on a display so to speak in front of any kind of adult parents who have always seemed to of taken their pecks at me...I want all adults to see that I am also a good girl. I'm not so bad as they think. I believe I do have a lot to offer, truly. I can honestly say that my relationship with Nathan has brought out so much stuff in me that I never knew was there. I feel bad for him having to put up with me through it all but I know deep down that it's going to be worth it in the end. A real relationship that God has planned for you, that relationship will truly release sanctification upon you and that's not always pretty. Heh. I would not trade anything in the world for Nathan. He really is my soul mate that Jesus has for me...I just wish I understood why he would give him to me to be with in this life. A few weeks ago I moved out of my mom's house and into the "girls house" at church. All it is is a beautiful rented house and 6 girls from my church, including me, live there! I am so blessed Jesus has provided a way for me to be in that beautiful house...I am just job searching and learning to trust in Jesus when He says something. Tomorrow, I am going to Ohio with Nathan and his parents! We are going to the Columbus Zoo and the Aquarium. It's a mini vacation I thought I would never be able to have for years yet...I am so relieved and excited I was invited. I will come back this coming Sunday. There's a lack, there's a gap in my soul...
Between the things that I believe and I know.
| | |
| Last Friday Nathan and I went to Pastor Andrews house to begin our counseling since we are now official. It went really well and we now have some vision ahead of us to pray about and think over. Things such as to prayer for eachothers destinys and callings. We just want our relationship to be honoring to the Lord. So, we are meeting with Andrew again 2 fridays from now.
So, here I am 19 years old. I am so young yet I never thought I would have been alive this young. I know that is strange to say but it's true. I am happy I am here though even though things have been extremely rough. I know Jesus has the no eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor has no mind imagined for my life simply because I love him. I just love that I have a Jesus who loves and uses me in my weakness. My weak words, my failed attemps to "fix myself" or to toughen up and push through life has not nor will it ever see me through til the end. Jesus is the one to do that. I am really falling in love with Him so much more. That's exciting to me...just like earthly lovers, you will never stop falling in love with them. Well, I believe that falling in love should never end. I don't think there is a point in life where you find yourself saying "Yup! I'm here! I love this person and I just can't love them anymore!" Love is never ending. Well, the love Jesus has for me and everyone else is never ending. I want Jesus to just show me what real love is. Not what the world says love is, but Jesus's definition. A love that passes my understanding. A love that keeps showering over me after every time I blow it. I need to remember how people love how much they can but it's not a love we can rely on through this life. Jesus's love is what will truly keep us going, His love is what truly matters. Through Jesus, then His love is perfected through us into other peoples lives. Such as family, friends, and just new faces we see everyday just doing an errand. I want a pure and Holy Love from Jesus.
You know one of my really beautiful, good friends named Danielle wrote a song about this Holy Love from Jesus. I know it is one thing to read about love and have our own ideas of it, but God's love is completely different. This is part of the song. This Holy Love, from You, only You Jesus
Only this will I see, who I am to You
So much more, in You heart, it burns in me
So wake my heart, to love, let me see this Holy God. We all have a broken love, I have a broken love. But Jesus wants to perfect it and show us the fullness and the power of real, pure love. Anyway, I didn't mean to bunny trail off like this but it's just the truth. I am falling in love with this man Jesus and He already loves me more then my heart can contain. So on the 29th, I brought some girls to church after my birthday party which was the night before. It was really powerful! The other 2 girls left and my cousin Megan stayed with me. I don't even know where to begin! Megan was hit powerfully by the Spirit of the Living God and changed just in one day. She accepted Jesus into her heart as her Lord and Savior and I have been praying for that for ages!!! Jesus is so faithful. I know this is going to be tough for her...but deep down I know she wants more. Other things she has been seeking, but what is going to satisfy her is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. God is beginning to do an unseen work in my family and I am so excited. I know the others will come around, and until the last day I breathe my last, I am warring for all of them. There is a God after their hearts and He relentlessly chases after every single one with justice in His stride, a sword on His thigh, and a heart that would change their lives forever if they gave him a chance. The Holy Spirit wants personal divine encounters with each person of my family to show them who He really is. To break off lies and to break off false ideas of who they think He is. I am so excited! My family has such a powerful call on their lives so the enemy has been attacking hardcore since they were born to ruin who they are meant to be...today. But in Jesus Name it wont always be like this, and I claim them for the Kingdom of Righteousness. By the way, Aunt Trina I know you read my posts, so you should come to church with me and Megan sometime. :) Love you! | | |
| I am going to be 19 soon. The thing is, is that I am not very excited about it. I have no insurance now which sucks. Hopefully I can last until I get married and then be on a joint insurance. Who knows when God has planned for me to be married! :). Nathan and I are thinking like...a year and a half or maybe two years? Whatever the Lord wants but that is what we are feeling. That's when he would be done with school and stuff. I am hoping for a job at Beefaroo or Fireside Nursing Home. I am hoping for the nursing home since I have worked at one for almost a year before. I think Nursing Home jobs are rewarding but extremely difficult. But it's what I want! A challenging job but also very rewarding. I really want to work with people...not food. Here I am months later still trying to get my feet under me haha.
I keep chugging along... | | |
|
